It has been one long journey. One that, I have to say, is coming to an end. Not really though, I’ll be back; I am in the process of starting some pretty awesome things, in which I can continue to aid the inspiring people I've met, my biggest passion here. so this is not the end, it is just good-bye for now.
All of this is coming on the heels of a tough decision. This last month I have been battling whether I should go home or not. I cannot stay well. I keep getting sick and am in and out of the hospital just fighting to not get sick again. my body just won’t fight anymore. I never want to hear the word amoebas again. I’m afraid to eat because I am scared I am going to get sick again, but that only works for so long...I was in the hospital for 2 days last week and then headed back to my village. After one night I got sick again, it's baffling and discouraging and depressing. I am back in the hospital for 3 days and I have decided my body just isn’t fighting back. I have to go home and get well.
One of my best friends here has been extremely sick like me and on her blog this is how she described it:
“Physically, mentally and emotionally, I am exhausted, beaten and drained. I feel like I’m doing this all wrong. After 4 months, I shouldn’t be making these mistakes that get me so sick. After 4 months I should be getting the hang of living in the third world. After 4 months I shouldn’t be so tired all the time. Instead, more often than not, I feel like I got hit by a train; I can feel my immune system frantically trying to pull it’s flattened self off the train tracks before the next parasite or bacteria or unfamiliar disease comes along to squish it into submission once again. Coupled with the lack of available protein, the daily stress that the intense sun and heat put on my ivory skin and my New England accustomed body, the hard physical labor of village life, it’s safe to say my body has been through the ringer and it’s begging me for respite, mercy, a chance to recover. Realistically, how safe is it to push myself through another illness? A few eggs and bananas aren’t going to completely get my immune system back on track. And water isn’t either – especially when that’s what made me sick most recently. What’s to say that my immune system will be able to gather it’s fragmented self in order to respond to what comes next, whatever it may be? And yes, there are changes I can make. As a very wise woman recently said “it’s time to start acting more like a tourist…”; she’s right. But since the amoebas, I’ve stopped eating fruit at the market. Since the malaria, I’ve started using two mosquito nets instead of one and practically started a new religion centered around prophylaxis and bug spray. When it comes to the typhoid, yeah, I clearly need to be more careful with my water. I try to drink only bottled water, but sometimes boiled water is the only option. Maybe one batch didn’t reach the right temperature or I swallowed a little in the shower; maybe I washed the vegetables in unfiltered water or didn’t dry the knife and cutting board completely. I honestly don’t know. I do know that I’m almost as sick of retracing my steps as I am sick of being sick. It’s infuriating; I’m angry mostly at my body for being unable to withstand a little bad water, but I am also angry at my inability to live in a way that essentially protects myself from the danger that I’ve so willingly put myself in. But after all is said and done, what’s more important than your health? Without it, you can’t go anywhere or see anything or do anything. Without it, you can’t live.”
You can read more of her blogs at abigailskelton.wordpress.com she’s an amazing writer! I just felt like she took the words right out of my mouth.
All I know is that I trust in God’s plan for my life. But He's been testing me. for a while there, there were lots of sleepless nights and lots of tears questioning things. How can you be so sick in a foreign place but dying to stay somewhere for the smiles you put on peoples faces? And then turn around and all you want is the familiarity of home and the people you love and to be OUT of a third world hospital ALONE.
And have I mentioned the only person anyone wants when they feel sick is their mom? There are so many things going on back and forth in my mind. Don't get me wrong, I have loved teaching in Africa, but the number one thing I have loved the most is forming strong relationships with the families I have helped. Sponsoring families and getting them back on their feet has meant everything to me. Making sure that my students get a meal during school hours once a week - that project means a lot to me. These connections and projects and smiles I have created are memories that I hold near and dear to my heart. They will continue even though I am home; they have to. While in the solitary confinement of the hospital, I have set up that process. It is going to be really hard for me to leave this place, but I have put a lot of thought in my decision and I think in this case I have to put myself first and go home. There are so many close relationships that will remain in my heart forever. Memories and people have changed my life. I feel like I have lived in another world for the past 4 months and honestly it has felt a lot longer than 4 months!
I can pack my things in my two big orange bags and think back on all the good that has happened in these 4 months. I do so with a clear conscience and a grateful heart. I have been touched by so many people, I have been changed for the better in so many ways I can’t even begin to describe; honestly I don’t even know if I will be able to at times. This place yet filled with lots of health issues that can keep you from living here, has SO much good; so many positives rich in values and culture that will always be a part of me.
This is not a good-bye; this is a “see you later"; to all my friends and families, students, teachers: I promise, I'll be back.
